i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
