If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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