We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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