I murdered the dance floor call the cops
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
