i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
