WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
