The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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