census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
