I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
