The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
