Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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