Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
third nipple confirmed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
