It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
