I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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