he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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