just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Boobs speak an international language.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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