checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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