I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
