im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
