either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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