theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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