She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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