I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
