I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
