Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize