when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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