I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
