This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
