Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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