i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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