never play flip cup with pint glasses
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
