Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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