Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
