If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
