Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
