I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
