For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
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Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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