She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
