Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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