I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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