I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
