I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I love having hate sex.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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