I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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