Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
