Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
