I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
