Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
