david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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