Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
