You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
