I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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