I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
