i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
